Top 50+Witty Quotes


Witty Quotes

1. Ask me no questions, and I’ll tell you no fibs.

2. The literal meaning of life is whatever you’re doing that prevents you from killing yourself.

3. Everyone has a sense of humor. If you don’t laugh at jokes, you probably laugh at opinions.

4. The man is as useless as nipples on a breastplate.

5. Yes. Reyn is our resident horse master. He has an excellent seat.”
I grinned. “I’ve noticed.”
Reyn’s face tightened and Nell flushed, looking embarrassed. “It’s an equestrian term.”
“Really? I thought you were talking about his ass.

6. Shouldn’t someone give a pep talk or something?’ Minho asked…
“Go ahead,” Newt replied.
Minho nodded and faced the crowd. ‘Be careful,’ he said dryly. ‘Don’t die.’
Thomas would have laughed if he could, but he was too scared for it to come out.
‘Great. We’re all bloody inspired,’ Newt answered.

7. I’d heard you were dead.”
“I heard you wear a red lace corset,” I said matter-of-factly. “But I don’t believe every bit of nonsense that gets rumored about.

8. A pause followed my greeting. Then “We’re watching you ” whispered the voice on the other end.
“Yeah? Did you see what I did with my keys? ”
Silence. Then dial tone.
These younger demons. So easily discouraged.

9. A technicality I’m prepared to hide wildly behind.

10. This is the fast lane, folks…and some of us like it here.

11. I am not shy about admitting my modest talents. For example, I am happy to admit that I am better than average at clever remarks, and I also have a flair for getting people to like me. But to be perfectly fair to myself, I am ever-ready to confess my shortcomings, too, and a quick round of soul-searching forced me to admit that I had never been any good at all at breathing water. As I hung there from the seat belt, dazed and watching the water pour in and swirl around my head, this began to seem like a very large character flaw.

12. Nothing so fortifies a friendship as a belief on the part of one friend that he is superior to the other.

13. If an apology is followed by an excuse or a reason, it means they are going to commit same mistake again they just apologized for.

14. The problem with a life spent reading is you know too much.

15. Whenever I think of something but can’t think of what it was I was thinking of, I can’t stop thinking until I think I’m thinking of it again. I think I think too much.

16. Whenever I think of something but can’t think of what it was I was thinking of, I can’t stop thinking until I think I’m thinking of it again. I think I think too much.

17. A person is wise if he listens to millions of advice and doesn’t implement any of it.

18. One must have a heart of stone to read the death of little Nell without laughing.

19. -“He loved her…It was noble of him. It was beautiful.

20. So just let me deal with it, I can be emotionally flawed and still love you all at the same time. I’m a great multitasker.

21. I frankly felt like the reception we received on the way in from the airport was very warm and hospitable. And I want to thank the Canadian people who came out to wave — with all five fingers — for their hospitality.

22. The guy’s life drunk, I think, makes Candide look like a sourpuss. Does he even know that death exists?

23. Intelligence is more important than strength, that is why earth is ruled by men and not by animals.

24. And it’s really very difficult to kill someone when all your inner instincts would oblige you to take off your hat first!

25. You noticed that I wore this outfit twice? Why, the only thing you wear twice is a sour expression.

26. When people are missing out in their choices and cannot make a distinction between cheery, witty, funny, filthy or scurrilous walks of life, they will have a hard time to inhabit a pleasing and enriching life; and to integrate into a world of understanding and recognition. (“Love lying fallow ” )

27. Master Griffin, I would marry my own mother for the excuse to stab my eyes out with her brooches than to see anything under your kilt,” the man’s voice said with an elegant aplomb. “Where would you like your guest’s things, sir?

28. A funny person is funny only for so long, but a wit can sit down and go on being spellbinding forever. One is not meant to laugh. One stays quiet and marvels. Spontaneously witty talk is without question the most fascinating entertainment there is.

29. Nothing uses up alcohol faster than political argument.

30. I wasn’t used to guys making me blush, and I wasn’t sure why he even was making me blush.

31. Pride only helps us to be generous; it never makes us so, any more than vanity makes us witty.

32.But you have to understand, mental illness is like cholesterol. There is is good kind and the bad. Without the good kind- less flavor to life. Van Gogh, Beethoven, Edgar Allen Poe, Sylvia Plath, Pink Floyd (the early Piper at the Gates of Dawn line up), scientific breakthroughs, spiritual revolution, utopian visions, zany nationalism that kills millions- wait, that’s the bad kind. Tim Dorsey (Hurricane Punch)

33. Histories make men wise; poets, witty; the mathematics, subtle; natural philosophy, deep; moral, grave; logic and rhetoric, able to contend.

34. Talking to them was like being placed into conversational purgatory, with no hope of being released without significant damage to one’s self-esteem.

35. Life is too fleet for onomatopoeia.

36. When you are angry try your best to go to sleep, it keeps you away from speaking, writing and thinking while you are angry.

37. Politeness is the first thing people lose once they get the power.

38. I hope that the kind reader recognises this as a despairing attempt at humour.

39. First rule of thievery,’ Eli said, grinning, ‘only run if you’re not coming back.’ (…) ‘First rule of thievery, never use the same entrance twice.’ Miranda rolled her eyes. ‘How many ‘first rules’ of thievery do you have?’ ‘When one mistake can mean your head on a pike, every rule’s a first rule,’ Eli said cheerfully.

40. Pretending to care what men think is an art. It takes moments to learn, but lifetimes to master. I’d like to believe I’m an expert.

41.Most wives fuck their husbands, just to ensure financial support. Marriage is just a form of legalized prostitution, when you really thought about it.

42. Yes, I kidnapped that Lindberg baby.
43. The job of feets is walking, but their hobby is dancing.

44. Make sure it is God’s trumpet you are blowing-
if it is only yours it won’t wake the dead,
it will simply disturb the neighbours.

45. Every habit makes our hand more witty, and out wit more handy.

46. There was a time when skepticism was an act of rebellion. Since to a degree I both believe in evolution and have faith, I can only conclude that, as prophesied, to have faith will someday be an act of rebellion.

47. Who knew Demon Child would have such a normal name? I expected something exotic like Serena or Destiny or the Evil One That Comes in the Night to Make Us Chilly.

48. Sorry, Bex,” Jason said “You don’t have the recognizable facial characteristics – such as a huge chin, or a large amount of real estate between the eyes – that would merit the bestowing of a criminal mastermind nickname such as Lockjaw or Walleye. Whereas Crazytop here…well, just look at her.”

“Atleast I can blow-dry my hair straight,” I pointed out. “Which is more than what I can say for your nose, Hawkface.

49. Don’t worry about it; only worry about how people like her breed.

50. My waist is a 30. The jeans are a 28. When I fart, the Reeboks blow off.

51. He wasn’t aware of it but when he smiled he looked like an amiable bear. When he didn’t smile he didn’t look amiable.

52. It is, in the imagination of combat’s fans, the divinely listless loveplay that follows the orgasm of victory. It is called ‘mopping up.

53. Don’t open the door to strangers,” said her dad. “Unless they’re selling something. Then open the door and see if I’d like it. If I’d like it, buy it for me. But nothing cheap. I have standards. Nothing too expensive, either. My standards aren’t that high.

54. I’ll take a redrum with a rellik please.

55. Papa, I’m ashamed that you think women are so simple. We can make decisions for ourselves too, you know. I’m not a child or a baby anymore, so I’m allowed to speak my mind. And if you don’t wish to hear it, just tell me so and I’ll go into another room-but I’ll speak it anyway. I want this for myself as much as I’ve never wanted the diplomatic corps and I’m going to get it-even if I have to do it alone. Excuse me.

56. He had not the makings of that honest man to whom success comes naturally.

57. Nothing evokes the prurient like puritanism.

58. The trouble with Grace, she thought, is that she is so literal. But that was the trouble with most people, when it came down to it; there were very few who enjoyed flights of fantasy, and to have that sort of mind–one which enjoyed dry with and understood the absurd–left one in a shrinking minority.

59. I’ll be sure not to let anyone but you carry me in her arms.” He turns and leaves the kitchen before I can figure out what to make of his comment. A sense of humor is one more thing I don’t think angels should have. The fact that his sense of humor is corny makes it even more wrong.

60. I’ve come to the point where I never feel the need to stop and evaluate whether or not I am happy. I’m just ‘being’, and without question, by default, it works.


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