1. I didn’t want to wake up. I was having a much better time asleep. And that’s really sad. It was almost like a reverse nightmare, like when you wake up from a nightmare you’re so relieved. I woke up into a nightmare.
2. The so-called ‘psychotically depressed’ person who tries to kill herself doesn’t do so out of quote ‘hopelessness’ or any abstract conviction that life’s assets and debits do not square. And surely not because death seems suddenly appealing. The person in whom Its invisible agony reaches a certain unendurable level will kill herself the same way a trapped person will eventually jump from the window of a burning high-rise. Make no mistake about people who leap from burning windows. Their terror of falling from a great height is still just as great as it would be for you or me standing speculatively at the same window just checking out the view; i.e. the fear of falling remains a constant. The variable here is the other terror, the fire’s flames: when the flames get close enough, falling to death becomes the slightly less terrible of two terrors. It’s not desiring the fall; it’s terror of the flames. And yet nobody down on the sidewalk, looking up and yelling ‘Don’t!’ and ‘Hang on!’, can understand the jump. Not really. You’d have to have personally been trapped and felt flames to really understand a terror way beyond falling.
3. But in the end one needs more courage to live than to kill himself.
4. I am constantly torn between killing myself and killing everyone around me.
5. A lot of you cared, just not enough.
6. I can’t eat and I can’t sleep. I’m not doing well in terms of being a functional human, you know?
7. Sometimes even to live is an act of courage.
8. The thought of suicide is a great consolation: by means of it one gets through many a dark night.
9. And he suddenly knew that if she killed herself, he would die. Maybe not immediately, maybe not with the same blinding rush of pain, but it would happen. You couldn’t live for very long without a heart.
10. There comes a time when you look into the mirror and you realize that what you see is all that you will ever be. And then you accept it. Or you kill yourself. Or you stop looking in mirrors.
11. I waste at least an hour every day lying in bed. Then I waste time pacing. I waste time thinking. I waste time being quiet and not saying anything because I’m afraid I’ll stutter.
12. I went to the worst of bars hoping to get killed but all I could do was to get drunk again.
13. People pontificate, “Suicide is selfishness.” Career churchmen like Pater go a step further and call in a cowardly assault on the living. Oafs argue this specious line for varying reason: to evade fingers of blame, to impress one’s audience with one’s mental fiber, to vent anger, or just because one lacks the necessary suffering to sympathize. Cowardice is nothing to do with it – suicide takes considerable courage. Japanese have the right idea. No, what’s selfish is to demand another to endure an intolerable existence, just to spare families, friends, and enemies a bit of soul-searching.
14. The only difference between a suicide and a martyrdom really is the amount of press coverage.
15. It is not seen as insane when a fighter, under an attack that will inevitable lead to his death, chooses to take his own life first. In fact, this act has been encouraged for centuries, and is accepted even now as an honorable reason to do the deed. How is it any different when you are under attack by your own mind?
16. Let them think what they liked, but I didn’t mean to drown myself. I meant to swim till I sank — but that’s not the same thing.
17. It is not worth the bother of killing yourself, since you always kill yourself too late.
18. Some people are just not meant to be in this world. It’s just too much for them.
19. Suicide is a form of murder – premeditated murder. It isn’t something you do the first time you think of doing it. It takes getting used to. And you need the means, the opportunity, the motive. A successful suicide demands good organization and a cool head, both of which are usually incompatible with the suicidal state of mind.
20. Suicide is man’s way of telling God, ‘You can’t fire me – I quit!
21. I don’t want to hurt you or anybody so please forget about me. Just try. Find yourself a better friend.
22. I’m the girl nobody knows until she commits suicide. Then suddenly everyone had a class with her.
23. The parts of me that used to think I was different or smarter or whatever, almost made me die.
24. A book is a suicide postponed.
25. There was a moment in my life when I really wanted to kill myself. And there was one other moment when I was close to that. . . . But even in my most jaded times, I had some hope.
26. We cannot tear out a single page of our life, but we can throw the whole book in the fire.
27. I think many people kill themselves simply to stop the debate about whether they will or they won’t.
28. They tell us that Suicide is the greatest piece of Cowardice… That Suicide is wrong; when it is quite obvious that there is nothing in this world to which every man has a more unassailable title than to his own life and person.
29. My room is so quiet and empty it hurts.
30. Anne, I don’t want to live. . . . Now listen, life is lovely, but I Can’t Live It. I can’t even explain. I know how silly it sounds . . . but if you knew how it Felt. To be alive, yes, alive, but not be able to live it. Ay that’s the rub. I am like a stone that lives . . . locked outside of all that’s real. . . . Anne, do you know of such things, can you hear???? I wish, or think I wish, that I were dying of something for then I could be brave, but to be not dying, and yet . . . and yet to [be] behind a wall, watching everyone fit in where I can’t, to talk behind a gray foggy wall, to live but to not reach or to reach wrong . . . to do it all wrong . . . believe me, (can you?) . . . what’s wrong. I want to belong. I’m like a jew who ends up in the wrong country. I’m not a part. I’m not a member. I’m frozen.
31. I have had to experience so much stupidity, so many vices, so much error, so much nausea, disillusionment and sorrow, just in order to become a child again and begin anew. I had to experience despair, I had to sink to the greatest mental depths, to thoughts of suicide, in order to experience grace.
32. When people kill themselves, they think they’re ending the pain, but all they’re doing is passing it on to those they leave behind.
33. When you’re young and healthy you can plan on Monday to commit suicide, and by Wednesday you’re laughing again.
34. The bravest thing I ever did was continuing my life when I wanted to die.
35. People rarely bring flowers to a suicide.
36. No More Games. No More Bombs. No More Walking. No More Fun. No More Swimming. 67. That is 17 years past 50. 17 more than I needed or wanted. Boring. I am always bitchy. No Fun — for anybody. 67. You are getting Greedy. Act your old age. Relax — This won’t hurt
37. By four o’clock, I’ve discounted suicide in favor of killing everyone else in the entire world instead.
38. There used to be days that I thought I was okay, or at least that I was going to be. We’d be hanging out somewhere and everything would just fit right and I would think ‘it will be okay if it can just be like this forever’ but of course nothing can ever stay just how it is forever.
39. It is good to be a cynic — it is better to be a contented cat — and it is best not to exist at all.
40. The trouble about jumping was that if you didn’t pick the right number of storeys, you might still be alive when you hit bottom.
41. If they tell you that she died of sleeping pills you must know that she died of a wasting grief, of a slow bleeding at the soul.
42. Killing myself was a matter of such indifference to me that I felt like waiting for a moment when it would make some difference.
43. There are so many things that I want so badly to tell you but I just can’t.
44. You need to spend time crawling alone through shadows to truly appreciate what it is to stand in the sun.
45. You might be looking for reasons but there are no reasons.
46. What’s the big fucking deal? Lots of amazing people have committed suicide, and they turned out alright.
47. And I want to tell you about everything but I can’t because I couldn’t stand for you to have that look on your face all the time. I just need you to look at me and think that I’m normal. I just really need that from you.
48. Keep passing the open windows.
49. Actually, it was only part of myself I wanted to kill: the part that wanted to kill herself, that dragged me into the suicide debate and made every window, kitchen implement, and subway station a rehearsal for tragedy.
50. I know, too, that death is the only god who comes when you call.
51. It was easy enough to kill yourself in a fit of despair. It was easy enough to play the martyr. It was harder to do nothing. To endure your life. To wait.
52. Depression isn’t a war you win. It’s a battle you fight every day. You never stop, never get to rest. It’s one bloody fray after another.
53. Suicide only really frightens those who are never tempted by it and never will be, for its darkness only welcomes those who are predestined to it.
54. The thought that I might kill myself formed in my mind coolly as a tree or a flower.
55. In the meantime, I could withdraw to my room, could hide and sleep as if I were dead
56. The language of love letters is the same as suicide notes.
57. I saw the world from the stars’ point of view, and it looked unbearably lonely.
58. A phenomenon that a number of people have noted while in deep depression is the sense of being accompanied by a second self — a wraithlike observer who, not sharing the dementia of his double, is able to watch with dispassionate curiosity as his companion struggles against the oncoming disaster, or decides to embrace it. There is a theatrical quality about all this, and during the next several days, as I went about stolidly preparing for extinction, I couldn’t shake off a sense of melodrama — a melodrama in which I, the victim-to-be of self-murder, was both the solitary actor and lone member of the audience.
59. Life’s greatest gift is the freedom it leaves you to step out of it whenever you choose.
60. The literal meaning of life is whatever you’re doing that prevents you from killing yourself.