Top 50+ Steven Wright Quotes

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Steven Wright (Full name: Steven Alexander Wright) is widely regarded as one of the greatest comedians, who is also an actor, writer and film producer. Born on 6th December 1955, in Cambridge Massachusetts and one of four children, he started comedy around 1978.

Wright is remembered for his slow, deadpan delivery on stand-up comedy, often on ironic and philosophical topics, as well as utilising one-liners. He was voted the 15th Greatest Comedian by Rolling Stone magazine in a 2017 article about the 50 Greatest Stand-up Comedians.

Away from comedy, Steven Wright has won an Academy Award for The Appointments of Dennis Jennings in 1988, a short film that he wrote and produced. As well as that, he has won two Emmy Awards as a producer. This highlights his influence and skills translate across various fields of writing and entertainment.

Whilst not frequently appearing on television recently, he is still active in TV and film, with credits including voice work on the 2017 emoji movie. As a result of his comedic range and interest, he has generated some fantastic quotes over the years that really do stand the test of time.

1. “Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.”

2. “If at first you don’t succeed then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.”

3. “I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.”

4. “Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.”

5. “If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.”

6. “If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.”

7. “The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.”

8. “I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.”

9. “What’s another word for thesaurus?”

10. “When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.”

11. “There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.”

12. “If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?”

13. “I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time” so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.”

14. “Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.”

15. “I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.”

16. “I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.”

17. “When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.”

18. “If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?”

19. “If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?”

20. “Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.”

21. “Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don’t have film.”

22. “I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.”

23. “I’m writing an unauthorized autobiography.”

24. “I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.”

25. “I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.”

26. “I have a hobby. I have the world’s largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen some of it.”

27. “It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I’d never even thought about killing myself.”

28. “The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?”

29. “I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was “Quote” so the last thing I said before I died would be “Unquote.”

30. “You know how it is when you’re reading a book and falling asleep, you’re reading, reading… and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I’m like that all the time.”

31. “Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?”

32. “Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.”

33. “I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.”

34. “Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang, ‘Happy Birthday.”

35. “Light travels faster than sound. Isn’t that why people appear bright before you hear them speak? ”

36. “Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.”
37. “I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don’t accidentally walk through into another dimension.”

38. “What happens if you get scared half to death twice?”

39. “Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.”

40. “Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.”

41. “I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”

42. “Did you sleep well?”
“No, I made a couple of mistakes.”

43. “If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?”

44. “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”

45. “A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.”

46. “I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.”

47. “Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.”

48. “A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, ‘Wish you were here.”

49. “I named my dog Stay, so I can say, ‘Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!”

50. “If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.”

51. “It doesn’t matter what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.”

52. “If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?”

53. “Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?”

54. “I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.”

55. “Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?”

56. “I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.”

57. “If warm air rises, Heaven could be hotter than Hell.”
58. “I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.”

59. “A metaphor is like a simile.”

60. “When an evil masochist dies, does he go to hell, or would heaven be a better punishment?”

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