Rodney Dangerfield was the stage name of Jacob Rodney Cohen, born on the 22nd November 1921, the American comedian and actor well known for his one-liners and self-deprecating approach to standup comedy.
His early career featured comedy performances at the Borscht Belt resorts, just outside of New York and this eventually led to appearances on the late-night talk show circuit in the 60s and 70s, as well as taking his act to Las Vegas, becoming a headline act at multiple casinos. His acting career didn’t quite take off in the same way, with some minor roles until he appeared in Caddyshack in 1980. This led to roles in other commercial successes including Back to School.
Dangerfield generally played comedic roles in films for the remainder of his career, with the notable exception of playing an abusive father in Natural Born Killers. Sadly, he struggled with his health in the years preceding his death, dieing in 2004 as a result of complications with heart surgery.
A comedy icon and inspiring man, his quotations have been collected together as a reminder of his unique combination of self-deprecation, honesty and hilarity.
1. I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
2. I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.
3. I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
4. This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
5. I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
6. I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
7. I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
8. When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
9. I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
10. My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
11. A girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.
12. Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
13. With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.
14. With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we’ll never see each other!
15. Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
16. If it wasn’t for pick-pockets I’d have no sex life at all.
17. We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
18. Yeah, I know I’m ugly… I said to a bartender, ‘Make me a zombie.’ He said ‘God beat me to it.’
19. My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
20. I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
21. At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can’t.
22. I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
23. Life is just a bowl of pits.
24. I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
25. My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
26. I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
27. When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
28. What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
29. Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
30. One year they asked me to be poster boy – for birth control.
31 My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.
32. My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
33. My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
34. My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
35. My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
36. It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.
37. I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
38. I met the surgeon general – he offered me a cigarette.
39. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
40. My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
41. My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
42. My cousin’s gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
43. I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
44. I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
45. I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
46. What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
47. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
48. On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
49. My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
50. I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going
51. I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she
was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
52. I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
53. I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
54. My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
55. My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.