Top 50+ Groucho Marx Quotes

groucho marx quotes

Who is Groucho Marx

Groucho Marx was born Julius Henry Marx on the 2nd October 1980, in New York, United States of America. He enjoyed a successful career as an actor, writer, comedian and star of television, cinema, stage and radio. Widely considered as one of the greatest American comedians, he was part of the Marx Brothers, siblings who developed a unique comedy act that found huge success.

Along with his brothers Chico and Harpo, he made 13 Marx Brothers feature films in Hollywood between 1904 and 1949 and their style and humour have lasted for generations, with 5 of those films being inducted into the AFIs Top 100 comedic films of all time. Away from his family, he had a solo career that focused on television and radio, including being the host of the You Bet Your Life game show.

Groucho was best known for his appearance that he developed during his Vaudeville days, involving glasses, thick eyebrows, moustache and exaggerated poses. These were immortalised in the comedy prop known as the Groucho glasses – a mask consisting of glasses, large nose, eyebrows and moustache.

You will spend hours laughing at the many quotes attributed to Groucho Marx and we’ve selected some of the best for you here!

Groucho Marx Quotes

1. “I must confess, I was born at a very early age.”

2. “Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.”

3. “If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.”

4. “I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”

5. “Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.”

6. “I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.”

7. “I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn’t arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I’m going to be happy in it.”

8. “If you’ve heard this story before, don’t stop me, because I’d like to hear it again.”

9. “I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.”

10. “One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I’ll never know.”

11. “Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.”

12. “I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.”

13. “Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can’t make head nor tail out of it.”

14. “Either he’s dead or my watch has stopped.”

15. “I intend to live forever, or die trying.”

16. “Women should be obscene and not heard.”

17. “There is one way to find out if a man is honest; ask him! If he says yes you know he’s crooked.”

18. “I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.”

19. “A man’s only as old as the woman he feels.”

20. “Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.”

21. “Room service? Send up a larger room.”

22. “Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.”

23. “A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.”

24. “The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.”

25. “It isn’t necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.”

26. “I’m leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it’s not raining.”

27. “Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?”

28. “No man goes before his time – unless the boss leaves early.”

29. “Before I speak, I have something important to say.”

30. “I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn’t educate America if they started at 6:30.”

31. “Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.”

32. “Why should I care about posterity? What’s posterity ever done for me?”

33. “A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.”

34. “My favourite poem is the one that starts ‘Thirty days hath September’ because it actually tells you something.”

35. “Go, and never darken my towels again.”

36. “Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.”

37. “Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.”

38. “Why, I’d horse-whip you if I had a horse.”

39. “From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend on reading it.”

40. “Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them… well, I have others.”

41. “I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.”

42. “Well, art is art, isn’t it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh… Now you tell me what you know.”

43. “I didn’t like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions – the curtain was up.”

44. “Marry me and I’ll never look at another horse!”

45. “I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.”

46. “My mother loved children – she would have given anything if I had been one.”

47. “From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.”

48. “There’s one way to find out if a man is honest – ask him. If he says, “Yes,” you know he is a crook.”

49. “Please accept my resignation. I don’t care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.”

50. “I won’t belong to any organization that would have me as a member.”

51. “I find television very educational. Every time someone switches it on I go into another room and read a good book.”

52. “I don’t care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.”

53. “I’ve got the brain of a four year old. I’ll bet he was glad to be rid of it.”

54. “I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.”

55. “Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.”

56. “Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.”

57. “Wives are people who feel they don’t dance enough.”

58. “I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.”

59. “In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.”

60. “Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.”

Groucho Marx



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