Top 50+ George Carlin Quotes

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1. “The planet is fine. The people are fucked.”

2. “Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.”

3. “Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.”

4. “Conservatives say if you don’t give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they’ve lost all incentive because we’ve given them too much money.”

5. “Electricity is really just organized lightning.”

6. “May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.”

7. “Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.”

8. “Just ‘cause you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean that the circus has left town.”

9. “We have multiplied our possessions but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. We’ve learned how to make a living but not a life. We’ve added years to life, not life to years.”

10. “Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”

11. “Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.”

12. “That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.”

13. “Don’t just teach your children to read…teach them to question everything that they read…teach them to question everything.”

14. “We’ve added years to life, not life to years.”

15. “Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.”

16. “Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.”

17. “In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.”

18. “When fascism comes to America, it will not be in brown and black shirts. It will not be with jack-boots. It will be Nike sneakers and Smiley shirts.”
19. “The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”

20. “If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?”

21. “I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It’s so fuckin’ heroic.”

22. “Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough not to quit.”

23. “Bipartisan usually means that a larger-than-usual deception is being carried out.”

24. “If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you’re going to have selfish, ignorant leaders.”

25. “There’s no present. There’s only the immediate future and the recent past.”

26. “By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.”

27. “Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”

28. “When you are born, you get a ticket to the freak show. When you are born in America, you get a front row seat.”

29. “’Meow’ means ‘woof’ in cat.”

30. “Religion is like a pair of shoes…Find one that fits for you, but don’t make me wear your shoes.”

31. “If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.”

32. “I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.”

33. “Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.”

34. “Think of how stupid the average person is, and then realize that half of them are stupider than that.”

35. “One can never know for sure what a deserted area can look like.”

36. “A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.”

37. “I don’t have pet peeves – I have major psychotic fucking hatreds.”

38. “Some people see the glass half full, others see it half empty. I see a glass that’s twice as big as it needs to be.”

39. “Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.”

40. “Careful, if you think too much, they’ll take you away.”

41. “I think people should be allowed to do what they want. We haven’t tried that for a while. Maybe this time it’ll work.”

42. “If it requires a uniform, it’s a worthless endeavor.”

43. “Atheism is a non-prophet organization.”

44. “How is it possible to have a civil war?”

45. “When you step on the brakes, your life is in your foot’s hands.”

46. “Think off-center.”

47. “I often warn people: ‘Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, ‘There is no ‘I’ in team.’ What you should tell them is, ‘Maybe not. But there is an ‘I’ in independence, individuality, and integrity.”

48. “If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.”

49. “The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.”

50. “Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.”

51. “When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot’s hands.”

52. “Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.”

53. “People are wonderful one at a time. Each one of them has an entire hologram of the universe somewhere within them.”

54. “I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. I took his shoes. Now I feel better.”

55. “My advice: just keep movin’ straight ahead. Every now and then you find yourself in a different place.”

56. “The future will soon be a thing of the past.”

57. “Everyone should try to scratch their name on the bomb of life.”

58. “Life gets really simple once you cut out all the bullshit they teach you in school.”

59. “I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loath and despise the groups they identify or belong to.”

60. “If you can’t say something nice about a person, go ahead.”

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