Top 50+Bill Maher Quotes

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Who is Bill Maher

William Maher, Jr., is an American comedian, actor, writer, and producer. He hosted the late-night television talk show Politically Incorrect on Comedy Central and ABC, and is currently the host of Real Time with Bill Maher on HBO. On June 1, 2006, he also began hosting an Internet-exclusive talk show on Amazon.com entitled Amazon Fishbowl.

Maher is known for his political satire and sociopolitical commentary. His commentaries target a wide swath of topics, from the right-wing to the left-wing, bureaucracies of many kinds, religion, political correctness, Hollywood, the mass media, and persons in positions of high political and social power, among many others. He supports the legalization of cannabis and gay marriage and serves on the board of PETA. Maher is number 38 on Comedy Central’s 100 greatest stand-ups of all time.

Bill Maher Quotes

1. Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.

2. Suicide is man’s way of telling God, ‘You can’t fire me – I quit!

3. I have a problem with people who take the Constitution loosely and the Bible literally.

4. The problem is that the people with the most ridiculous ideas are always the people who are most certain of them.

5. [F]reedom isn’t free. It shouldn’t be a bragging point that “Oh, I don’t get involved in politics,” as if that makes you somehow cleaner. No, that makes you derelict of duty in a republic. Liars and panderers in government would have a much harder time of it if so many people didn’t insist on their right to remain ignorant and blindly agreeable.

6. New Rule: Gay marriage won’t lead to dog marriage. It is not a slippery slope to rampant inter-species coupling. When women got the right to vote, it didn’t lead to hamsters voting. No court has extended the equal protection clause to salmon. And for the record, all marriages are “same sex” marriages. You get married, and every night, it’s the same sex.

7. Can we go back to using Facebook for what it was originally for – looking up exes to see how fat they got?

8. Don’t get so tolerant that you tolerate intolerance.

9. Let’s make a law that gay people can have birthdays, but straight people get more cake–you know, to send the right message to kids.

10. I’ll show you Obama’s birth certificate when you show me Sarah Palin’s high school diploma.

11. We have a Bill of Rights. What we need is a Bill of Responsibilities.

12. I think religion is a neurological disorder.

13. New Rule: Stop asking Miss USA contestants if they believe in evolution. It’s not their field. It’s like asking Stephen Hawking if he believes in hair scrunchies. Here’s what they know about: spray tans, fake boobs and baton twirling. Here’s what they don’t know about: everything else. If I cared about the uninformed opinions of some ditsy beauty queen, I’d join the Tea Party.

14. We need more people speaking out. This country is not overrun with rebels & free thinkers. It’s overrun with sheep & conformists.

15. Kids. They’re not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex.

16. Atheism is a religion like abstinence is a sex position.

17. That’s what’s so great about the Internet. It allows pompous blow-hards to connect with other pompous blow-hards in a vast circle-jerk of pomposity.

18. To most Christians, the Bible is like a software license. Nobody actually reads it. They just scroll to the bottom and click ‘I agree’.

19. The Bible looks like it started out as a game of mad libs.

20. I wouldn’t touch a hot dog unless you put a condom on it! You realize that the job of a hot dog is to use parts of the animal that the Chinese can’t figure out how to make into a belt?

21. I find that the world is changing much, much faster than I can even bitch about it.

22. The true axis of evil in America is the brilliance of our marketing combined with the stupidity of our people.

23. You know what happens when windmills collapse into the sea? A splash.

24. Saying someone is religious is heard in most of America as a compliment, a reassuring affirmation that someone will be moral, ethical, and after a few glasses of wine, a freak in the bedroom.

25. Idiots must stop claiming that atheism is a religion. Religion is defined as the belief in and worship of a superhuman controlling power. And atheism is… precisely not that. Atheism is a religion like abstinence is a sex position

26. Don’t you miss the days when America was just MORALLY bankrupt?

27. Be out of the mainstream. I’m out of the mainstream. I enjoy it, who wants to be in the mainstream?

28. If it weren’t for acid, you might not have an IPod, and you definitely would not have some of the best music in your IPod.”

29. If you can force a woman to look at a sonogram—to see what will happen if she has an abortion—you also have to let her see a crying baby, a bratty five-year-old, and a surly teenager to see what will happen if she doesn’t. And you have to tell her it costs $204,000 to raise it until it turns eighteen, in 2028, where it will be a slave to the Chinese, in a radioactive world with no animals, fish, or plants.

30. Since the topic is science, the non scientists don’t get a vote. We shouldn’t decide everything by polling the masses. This is the fallacy called Argumentum Ad Numerum, the idea that something is true because great number believe it, as in EAT SHIT, twenty trillions flies can’t be wrong!

31. Conspiracy theorists who are claiming that we didn’t really kill Bin Laden must be reminded that they didn’t think he did the crime in the first place. Come on, nutjobs, keep your bullshit straight: The towers were brought down in a controlled demolition by George W. Bush to distract attention from Hawaii, where CIA operatives were planting phony birth records so that a Kenyan named Barack Obama could someday rise to power and pretend to take out the guy we pretended took out the Towers. And I know that’s true because I just got it in an e-mail from Trump.

32. You’re never going to pick up women at a coffee shop pretending to be working on your laptop. You don’t look like you’re sensitive, you look like you’re homeless.The last guy to pick up a chick with an Apple was Adam. And when you sit across from another dateless loser with a laptop, it still doesn’t look like you’re working–it looks like you’re playing Battleship.

33. Republicans are taking the defeat over Health Care as well as Tiger Woods took to marriage.

34. If an Evangelical tries to use Halloween to pimp Jesus to kids, they get to egg his house. On Halloween, the president of the American Family Association urged his flock to hand out a Christian-based comic book instead of candy. Excuse me, Halloween isn’t a time to push your beliefs. You don’t see me handing out pot to kids…Okay, well not the little kids.

35. If you married a manic-depressive, three of your children died, and while you were president civil war broke out and someone shot you in the head, your coin really shouldn’t say, “In God We Trust.

36. Now, I’m no doctor, but I am on TV. And in my professional opinion, George Bush is a paranoid schizophrenic.

37. You know, if you’re an American and you’re born at this time in history especially, you’re lucky. We all are. We won the world history Powerball lottery.

38. I hate stupidity, but what I hate even more is when people actually brag about it.

39. Not doing anything is doing something and choosing to look away is a passive but no less mortal sin.

40. When opportunity knocks all some people can do is complain about the noise.

41. Obama is not a secret Kenyon, or a secret Muslim, he’s a secret Republican.

42. If a fourteen year-old can deliver your message, it’s not because he’s gifted. It’s because intellectually, you’re a child.

43. You would think there is a higher bar than having a Facebook page to run for president.

44. I do admit there are things in the universe I don’t understand. But my response to that is not to make up silly stories…or to believe intellectually embarrassing myths from the Bronze Age, but you believe whatever you want.

45. I’m always amazed at the human capacity to not make fundamental changes, but instead merely adapt. I see these pictures of people in Beijing and New Delhi, walking around with masks on, because you can’t walk outside your house and breathe? If you can’t breathe?…If that’s not the cue to make a fundamental change, I don’t know what is!

46. Colin Firth has to admit that he’s not a human being but a robot designed by women as the perfect man. He’s handsome, charming, witty, he’s got that accent and a gay best friend…the only way he could be any better is if he ejaculated Häagen-Dazs.

47. This is the worst thing to happen to beaches since the Speedo.

48. We’re all gonna be gay if we get health care!

49. You don’t have to put the cap back on the bottled water after every sip. It’s water, not a genie.

50. My bank must stop trying to sell me identity theft protection. You know why I expect you to protect my money? Because you’re a bank.

51. Women are also property in our bible; adultery is a property crime in the Old Testament, not a sex crime.

52. Stop putting all those pillows on the bed. Attention, interior designers, hotel maids, and real housewives of New Jersey: It’s a bed, not an obstacle course. I’m sorry, baby, I’d like to make sweet love to you all night long, but by the time I get all that crap off your bed, I’m exhausted. A bed needs only two pillows: one to put my head on, and one to cuddle with and pretend it’s Robert Pattinson.

53. If I can’t suck your milkshake through a straw, it’s not a milkshake–it’s a glass of ice cream.

54. Every day in America is a day with a shooting.

55. Fascism is when corporations become the government.

56. Someone must x-ray my stomach to see if the Peeps I ate on Easter are still in there, intact and completely undigested. And I’m not talking about this past Easter. I’m talking about the last time I celebrated Easter, in 1962.

57. But what is it that drives haters crazy with rage? Many times, it’s being ignored. To a person with pride, being ignored is often worse than out-and-out hate; it’s that much more of an insult, that you’re not even worth noticing.

58. If you’re one of the one-in-three married women who say your pet is a better listener than your husband, you talk too much. And I have some bad news for you: Your dog’s not listening, either; he’s waiting for food to fall out of your mouth.

59. We’re a complacent society, hard to get riled up in the first place, and then when we do, it’s misdirected.

60. Someone has to make a mustard container that doesn’t squirt out yellow water before it gets to the actual mustard. I get all excited for lunch, and then Grey Poupon pees on my sandwich. I suppose I could shake the bottle first, but fuck you, I’m an American consumer. Not only should your mustard be pre-blended to my specifications, it should also whiten my teeth.

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