Bill Hicks Quotes
1. “I’m tired of this back-slappin’ “isn’t humanity neat” bullshit. We’re a virus with shoes.”
2. “Today a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration, that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively, there is no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves. Heres Tom with the Weather.”
3. “I’m tired of this back-slappin’ “isn’t humanity neat” bullshit. We’re a virus with shoes.”
4. “They lie about marijuana. Tell you pot-smoking makes you unmotivated. Lie! When you’re high, you can do everything you normally do just as well — you just realize that it’s not worth the fucking effort. There is a difference.”
5. “If you want to understand a society, take a good look at the drugs it uses. And what can this tell you about American culture? Well, look at the drugs we use. Except for pharmaceutical poison, there are essentially only two drugs that Western civilization tolerates: Caffeine from Monday to Friday to energize you enough to make you a productive member of society, and alcohol from Friday to Monday to keep you too stupid to figure out the prison that you are living in.”
6. “I believe that there is an equality to all humanity. We all suck.”
7. “I’m glad mushrooms are against the law, because I took them one time, and you know what happened to me? I laid in a field of green grass for four hours going, “My God! I love everything.” Yeah, now if that isn’t a hazard to our country … how are we gonna justify arms dealing when we realize that we’re all one?”
8. “Here is my final point…About drugs, about alcohol, about pornography…What business is it of yours what I do, read, buy, see, or take into my body as long as I do not harm another human being on this planet? And for those who are having a little moral dilemma in your head about how to answer that question, I’ll answer it for you. NONE of your fucking business. Take that to the bank, cash it, and go fucking on a vacation out of my life.”
9. “Watching television is like taking black spray paint to your third eye.”
10. “The whole image is that eternal suffering awaits anyone who questions God’s infinite love. That’s the message we’re brought up with, isn’t it? Believe or die! Thank you, forgiving Lord, for all those options.”
11. “We all pay for life with death, so everything in between should be free.”
12. “I was in Nashville, Tennessee last year. After the show I went to a Waffle House. I’m not proud of it, I was hungry. And I’m alone, I’m eating and I’m reading a book, right? Waitress walks over to me: ‘Hey, whatcha readin’ for?’ Isn’t that the weirdest fuckin’ question you’ve ever heard? Not what am I reading, but what am I reading FOR? Well, goddamnit, ya stumped me! Why do I read? Well . . . hmmm…I dunno…I guess I read for a lot of reasons and the main one is so I don’t end up being a fuckin’ waffle waitress.”
13. “I loved when Bush came out and said, ‘We are losing the war against drugs. You know what that implies? There’s a war being fought, and the people on drugs are winning it.”
14. “Folks, it’s time to evolve. That’s why we’re troubled. You know why our institutions are failing us, the church, the state, everything’s failing? It’s because, um – they’re no longer relevant. We’re supposed to keep evolving. Evolution did not end with us growing opposable thumbs. You do know that, right?”
15. “This is where we are at right now, as a whole. No one is left out of the loop. We are experiencing a reality based on a thin veneer of lies and illusions. A world where greed is our God and wisdom is sin, where division is key and unity is fantasy, where the ego-driven cleverness of the mind is praised, rather than the intelligence of the heart.”
16. “Go back to bed, America. Your government has figured out how it all transpired. Go back to bed, America. Your government is in control again. Here. Here’s American Gladiators. Watch this, shut up. Go back to bed, America. Here is American Gladiators. Here is 56 channels of it! Watch these pituitary retards bang their fucking skulls together and congratulate you on living in the land of freedom. Here you go, America! You are free to do what we tell you! You are free to do what we tell you!”
17. “Why is marijuana against the law? It grows naturally upon our planet. Doesn’t the idea of making nature against the law seem to you a bit . . . unnatural?”
18. “The worst kind of non-smokers are the ones that come up to you and cough. That’s pretty fucking cruel isn’t it? Do you go up to cripples and dance too?”
19. “It’s always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it’s just hilarious.”
20. “I don’t mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that’s how it comes out.”
21. “I ascribe to Mark Twain’s theory that the last person who should be President is the one who wants it the most. The one who should be picked is the one who should be dragged kicking and screaming into the White House.”
22. “I get a kick out of being an outsider constantly. It allows me to be creative. I don’t like anything in the mainstream and they don’t like me.”
23. “The definition of black irony is Pro-lifers killing Doctors who do abortions”
24. “Oh sorry, I was taking life seriously.”
25. “You see, I think drugs have done some good things for us. I really do. And if you don’t believe drugs have done good things for us, do me a favor. Go home tonight. Take all your albums, all your tapes and all your CDs and burn them. ‘Cause you know what, the musicians that made all that great music that’s enhanced your lives throughout the years were rrreal fucking high on drugs. The Beatles were so fucking high they let Ringo sing a few tunes.”
26. “People often ask me where I stand politically. It’s not that I disagree with Bush’s economic policy or his foreign policy, it’s that I believe he was a child of Satan sent here to destroy the planet Earth. Little to the left.”
27. “I can’t watch TV longer than five minutes without praying for nuclear holocaust.”
28. “I never got along with my dad. Kids used to come up to me and say, “My dad can beat up your dad.” I’d say Yeah? When?”
29. “I’m sorry if any of you are catholic. I’m not sorry if you’re offended, I’m actually just sorry by the fact that you’re catholic”
30. “I smoke to fill the potholes in my soul”
31. “Here is my final point. About drugs, about alcohol, about pornography and smoking and everything else. What business is it of yours what I do, read, buy, see, say, think, who I fuck, what I take into my body – as long as I do not harm another human being on this planet?”
32. “It’s just a ride.”
33. “Life is only a dream and we are the imagination of ourselves.”
34. “not all drugs are good.. some of them are great”
35. “This is the material, by the way, that has kept me virtually anonymous in America for the past 15 years. Gee, I wonder why we’re hated the world over? Look at these fat Americans in the front row – ‘Why doesn’t he just hit fruit with a hammer?’ Folks, I could have done that, walked around being a millionaire and franchising myself but no, I had to have this weird thing about trying to illuminate the collective unconscious and help humanity. Fucking moron.”
36. “…I just want to be free of the fears and anxieties and the superstitions of religion. An ‘avenging GOD’? One who created Hell for those who don’t believe? I thought we were the perfect and holy children of GOD? How could any limits possibly be put upon us? Hell.. really? I’m sorry, but… no. Wrong. You’re wrong. That’s an insane GOD and therefore not mine. Because, see, GOD would be very sane, don’t you get it?”
37. “I smoke. If this bothers anyone, I suggest you look around at the world in which we live and shut your fuckin’ mouth.”
38. “There are essentially only two drugs that Western civilization tolerates: Caffeine from Monday to Friday to energize you enough to make you a productive member of society, and alcohol from Friday to Monday to keep you too stupid to figure out the prison that you are living in.”
39. “I know this is not a very popular idea. You don’t hear it too often any more … but it’s the truth. I have taken drugs before and … I had a real good time. Sorry. Didn’t murder anybody, didn’t rape anybody, didn’t rob anybody, didn’t beat anybody, didn’t lose – hmm – one fucking job, laughed my ass off, and went about my day. Sorry. Now, where’s my commercial?”
40. “I believe everyone has this fuckin’ poem in his heart.”
41. “Let me tell you about gays in the military. I don’t want any gay people hanging around me while I’m killing kids. I just don’t want to see it.”
42. “On the theft of his material by Denis Leary: “I have a scoop for you. I stole his act. I camouflaged it with punchlines, and to really throw people off, I did it before he did.”
43. “When two or more people agree on an issue, I form on the other side.”
44. “We are the facilitators of our own creative evolution.”
45. “Did you know that when a guy comes, he comes 200 million sperm? And you’re trying to tell me that your child is special because one out of 200 million — that load! we’re talking one load! — connected. Gee, what are the fucking odds? 200 million; you know what that means? I have wiped civilizations off my chest with a gray gym sock. That is special. Entire nations have flaked and crusted in the hair around my navel! That is special. And I want you to remember that, you two egg-carrying beings out there, with that holier-than-thou “we have the gift of life” attitude. I’ve tossed universes…in my underpants…while napping! Boom! A milky way shoots into my jockey shorts, “Aaaah, what’s for fucking breakfast?”
46. “It’s great to be here. I thank you. Ah, I’ve been on the road doing comedy for ten years now, so bear with me while I plaster on a fake smile and plough through this shit one more time.”
47. “I left in love, in laughter, and in truth, and wherever truth, love and laughter abide, I am there in spirit.”
48. “Listen, the next revolution is gonna be a revolution of ideas.”
49. “Just a simple choice, right now, between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your doors, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love instead see all of us as one.”
50. “They Want You To Be A Docile Apathetic Consumer”
51. “You ever noticed how people who believe in Creationism look really un-evolved? You ever noticed that? Eyes real close together, eyebrow ridges, big furry hands and feet. “I believe God created me in one day”. Yeah, looks like He rushed it”
52. “It is, and has been, and will forever be, this world of ours, a fucking joke.”
53. “I just have one of those faces. People come up to me and say, ‘What’s wrong?’ Nothing. ‘Well, it takes more energy to frown than it does to smile.’ Yeah, you know it takes more energy to point that out than it does to leave me alone?”
54. “It’s not a war on drugs, it’s a war on personal freedom.”
55. “The whole image is that eternal suffering awaits anyone who questions God’s infinite love. That’s the message we’re brought up with, isn’t it? Beleive or die! Thank you, forgiving Lord, for all those options.”
56. “They’re puttin’ music to AIDS germs–putting a drum machine behind them and a metronome beat and Ted Turner’s colorizing them, goddamn it. These aren’t even really people, man. It’s a CIA plot to make you think malls are good. Don’t you see?”
57. “I don’t want any gay people hanging around me while I’m killing kids. I just don’t want to see it.”
58. “I’m not into those kind of rivalries. I remember standing out in front of Stratford, minding my own business. Carload of about eighty kids would pull up: ‘STRATFORD SUCKS!’ Am I supposed to run after these guys? I’d just stand there, you know. They’d back up. ‘STRATFORD SUCKS! …STRATFORD SUCKS!’ I’d say, ‘I know. I go there. You’re wasting gas, man.”
59. “It’s all about money, not freedom, y’all, okay? Nothing to do with fuckin’ freedom. If you think you’re free, try going somewhere without fucking money, okay?”
60. “By the way, if anyone here is in advertising or marketing, kill yourself.”
